From Worry to Connection: 5 Tips for Parents of College Freshmen

This weekend, I moved my 18-year-old daughter into college, and like many parents, I felt a mix of emotions, pride, sadness, and a deep worry about whether she would be okay on her own. Watching her walk into this new chapter reminded me that while our kids are growing, we are asked to grow, too.

With over 4,000 colleges and universities in the U.S. and more than 15 million students enrolled in undergraduate programs each year, thousands of parents are experiencing the same transition. While our children navigate roommates, academics, and campus life, we are learning how to let go without slipping into fear or over-control.

A Quick Note on Transactional Analysis (TA)

Transactional Analysis (TA) was developed in the 1960s by Dr. Eric Berne, a psychiatrist who wanted to make psychology easy for everyone to understand. At its core, TA explains that inside each of us there are three “ego states” or voices:

Parent – the rule-giving, instructive, or sometimes critical voice.

Adult – the balanced, rational, curious, and present voice.

Child – the playful, emotional, or anxious part of us.

These voices shape how we think, feel, and communicate. TA is important because it helps us notice which “voice” is running the show, and guides us back to the Adult state, where we can be calm, validating, and connected.

When applied to parenting a college freshman, TA gives us a map to manage our own inner dialogue and model healthier communication with our kids.

Think of it like a traffic light:

🔴 Red circle (critical Parent) – harsh, controlling, codependent thoughts.

🟡 Yellow circle (anxious Child) – worry, fear, and “what if” thinking.

🟢 Green circle (Adult) – validating, curious, compassionate, socially engaged thoughts.

Tip 1: Name and Place Your Thoughts

When worry shows up (“What if she parties too much?” or “What if he doesn’t fit in?”), place that thought in the yellow circle, acknowledging it as normal anxiety. If you notice harsh, judgmental words (“She’ll never handle this”), place those in the red circle.

Then, guide yourself back into the green circle by validating and reframing: “It makes sense that I feel this way because my child just left home. I love them and want them to have a good experience.”

Naming and categorizing thoughts prevents them from taking over and creates space for compassion.

Tip 2: Practice Self-Validation

Instead of ignoring your feelings or telling yourself you “shouldn’t feel this way,” validate them. For example:

“It makes sense that I feel sad because my child just left for college and I am used to seeing her on a daily basis...”

“It’s normal to feel anxious because I want her to be safe and happy.”

Self-validation allows us to move from the anxious yellow circle into the green circle of acceptance and calm.

If your child says, “I’m worried I won’t make friends,” your first instinct might be to reassure them with something like, “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine.”

While well-intentioned, this response actually invalidates their feelings. It can unintentionally promote co-dependency and push them into the Child circle (from Transactional Analysis), which often corresponds to the red/yellow circles of worry or fear.

Instead, use the Green Circle approach, which encourages curiosity, self-trust, and independence. Rather than speaking from the Parent circle (where you tell them what to think), guide them with open-ended curiosity:

Ask: “What do you think might help you connect with people?”

This models validation and problem-solving while showing confidence in your child’s ability to think for themselves.

After they respond, you can validate their feelings by saying something like:

“It makes sense you feel worried—starting over can be hard.”

This combination of curiosity and validation builds resilience, trust, and independence in your child.

Tip 4: Use Adlerian Parenting Language

Alfred Adler (1870–1937), an Austrian psychiatrist and one of the pioneers of modern psychology, believed that every child has a deep need to feel a sense of belonging and significance. His approach to parenting, often called Adlerian Parenting, emphasizes encouragement over criticism and focuses on helping children develop the skills to become capable, responsible, and socially connected adults.

Unlike some approaches that center on obedience and control, Adler stressed that children thrive when they are treated with mutual respect and when parents show trust in their abilities. Encouragement, rather than punishment, becomes the foundation for growth.

A powerful way to apply Adler’s philosophy in everyday parenting is through intentional language. For example, you might say:

I trust that you will be able to make decisions and make the most out of this experience.”

This type of statement communicates to your child:

You are capable: They feel seen as competent problem-solvers.

You are trusted: They experience confidence from you, which helps build their own.

You belong and matter: They recognize that their choices and actions carry meaning and responsibility.

By using Adlerian parenting language, you are not only supporting your child’s immediate transition (such as leaving for college, managing new responsibilities, or navigating friendships), but also fostering the long-term skills of resilience, self-trust, and independence** that are essential for adulthood.

Tip 5: Stay in the Green Circle Yourself

Your child will inevitably face struggles, and they will watch how you respond. If you spiral into worry or control, they will mirror that energy. But if you stay grounded in the green circle, validating, trusting, and modeling self-regulation, you create psychological safety for them.

Remember: our role is no longer to manage their lives but to coach them toward independence.

Summary

Sending a child to college is both a letting-go and a growing-up, for them and for us. Transactional Analysis, developed by Dr. Eric Berne in the 1960s, offers a simple map: notice when you slip into red (critical) or yellow (anxious) voices, and gently guide yourself back to green (curious, validating, and connected). By naming feelings, practicing self-validation, and modeling encouragement, we help our children, and ourselves, navigate this transition with resilience and trust.

Love,

Limor