Why Do We Keep Talking in Circles? The Hidden Conversations That Shape Every Relationship

The Science of Self-Love Series - August Theme: Relationships: Each month we'll explore one evidence-informed concept that can help you better understand yourself, strengthen your relationships, and build greater psychological safety. Every article includes a story, the psychology behind it, and practical tools you can begin using immediately through The Bespoke KARMA Method™

"We've had this conversation a hundred times."

She looked down and quietly added,

"And somehow... we never actually hear each other."

It wasn't the first argument.

It wasn't even about what they were discussing.

By the time they sat in my office, they couldn't remember whether the disagreement had started over a forgotten text message, dinner plans, or who was supposed to pick up the groceries.

What they remembered was something much more important.

They both walked away feeling unheard.

Misunderstood.

Alone.

After years of working with individuals, couples, families, and teams, I've come to realize something remarkable:

Most conversations are not really about the topic.

They're about the meaning we attach to the topic.

They are about our need to feel seen.

To feel understood.

To feel emotionally safe.

And when we don't...

we often find ourselves having the same conversation over and over again.

Almost as if we're talking in circles.

Why Does This Happen?

For many years, I believed that better communication meant finding better words.

If we could explain ourselves more clearly...

If we could convince the other person to understand...

If we could finally say the perfect thing...

Then our relationships would improve.

But experience, and years of clinical work, taught me something different.

Two people can hear exactly the same sentence.

One experiences comfort.

The other experiences criticism.

The words haven't changed.

The experience has.

Because communication is never just about language.

It is influenced by our life experiences, our nervous system, our beliefs, our relationships, and whether we feel psychologically safe in that moment.

That realization became one of the foundations for how I approach healing today.

The Roadmap That Changed the Way I See Relationships

One of the psychological theories that helped organize these observations is Transactional Analysis, developed by psychiatrist Dr. Eric Berne, author of the groundbreaking book Games People Play.

Despite its academic name, Transactional Analysis offers a simple and practical idea.

Every conversation involves more than words.

It also involves the emotional state from which we are speaking, and the emotional state from which another person is listening.

Dr. Berne observed that people often fall into predictable communication patterns that repeat themselves without conscious awareness. These patterns can leave both people feeling frustrated, misunderstood, or disconnected, even when neither intended harm.

Within The Bespoke KARMA Method™, Transactional Analysis serves as one of the foundational theories that helps us organize our thoughts, emotions, experiences, and relationships. Together with Polyvagal Theory and other evidence-informed approaches, it provides a roadmap for understanding how communication either strengthens or weakens our sense of connection and psychological safety.

I often introduce this concept as The Circle Game because it reminds us that we can become stuck in familiar loops of communication until we pause, notice the pattern, and choose a different response.

Awareness is where change begins.

Three Practical Skills to Practice This Week

1. Pause Before You Respond

The next time you notice yourself becoming defensive, pause for five slow breaths before replying.

Ask yourself:

"Am I reacting, or am I responding?"

That small pause creates space for thoughtful communication instead of automatic reactions.

2. Become Curious About the Story

When a conversation becomes difficult, gently ask yourself:

"What story am I telling myself right now?"

Then ask:

"Is there another way I could understand what this person meant?"

Curiosity often opens doors that defensiveness keeps closed.

3. Notice Your Circle

At the end of one conversation today, reflect for just a minute.

Ask yourself:

• Did I feel emotionally safe?

• Did I truly listen?

• Did I feel heard?

• What might help this conversation go differently next time?

You don't need to fix everything today.

Simply noticing the pattern is the first step toward changing it.

A Reflection for This Week

Communication isn't about winning.

It isn't about having the perfect answer.

It's about creating enough psychological safety that both people feel able to speak honestly and listen with curiosity.

The goal isn't to avoid conflict.

The goal is to understand what the conflict is trying to teach us.

When we begin to recognize the conversations happening beneath the words, we become more compassionate, not only toward others, but toward ourselves.

This Month's Challenge

Throughout August, I invite you to practice one conversation each day using these three skills.

Notice what changes.

Write down what surprises you.

Most importantly, notice how your relationships begin to change when your awareness changes first.

Next week, we'll explore The Circle Game in more depth and learn how recognizing our communication patterns can help us move from reacting automatically to responding intentionally.

Stay Connected

This article is part of our new monthly series, The Science of Self-Love, where we explore the research, psychology, and practical tools behind The Bespoke KARMA Method™.

Throughout the month, you'll find:

• Weekly articles

• Short YouTube lessons

• Instagram and Facebook reflections

• Practical worksheets

• Downloadable tools

• Live online discussions

Our goal is simple:

To help people better understand themselves, strengthen their relationships, and create greater psychological safety, one conversation at a time.

If this article resonated with you, I invite you to follow us on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, and LinkedIn, subscribe to our newsletter, and join us as we continue this journey together.

Because healing doesn't begin when someone finally understands you.

It begins when you become curious enough to better understand yourself.

Ask Your Question

If you are a teen, parent, or professional navigating questions about body image, food, weight, shame, eating disorders, relationships, communication, or mental health, you can write anonymously to The Sunday Compass.

Submit here:

https://www.bespokewellnesspartners.com/about-1-1

“Healing doesn't begin when someone finally understands you. It begins when you become curious enough to better understand yourself.” — Dr. Limor Weinstein

About Dr. Limor Weinstein

Dr. Limor Weinstein is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, relationship and communication expert, and the founder of The Bespoke KARMA Method™. Transactional analysis and polyvagal theory are the foundation of the method, along with practical DBT-based skills and the science of self-love. Dr. Weinstein’s long research with individuals with (long-term "anorexia nervosa") investigates how language and communication, including what is spoken and what remains unspoken, can contribute to a lack of psychological safety in relationships and influence how individuals experience the illness.

If you are ready to strengthen your communication, set clear boundaries without escalating, and build healthier relationships, you can join one of Dr. Weinstein’s relationship and communication groups. These groups are designed to help you practice these skills in real time in a supportive, guided setting.

Click here to learn more about upcoming groups and reserve your spot:

Accepted insurance plans: United HealthCare, Aetna, and David Shield.

Thank you for reading!

Your words. Your power.

Love

Limor