When Words and Actions Don’t Match: 3 Steps to Protect the Relationship

How to regulate, communicate clearly, and build trust instead of fear.

Last week, I wrote about choosing love that enhances your life.

Not love that confuses you.

Not love that makes you shrink.

Not love that keeps you guessing.

But what happens when a relationship that matters to you gets tested?

Not by betrayal.

Not by something dramatic.

But by a small moment that creates a big feeling...

A client of mine, whom I will call Sari, recently found herself in that place.

Sari was building something real with Richard. She described their connection as deep and alive. They had amazing conversations. They laughed easily. The chemistry was strong. The intimacy felt connected, playful, and exciting. She felt chosen. She felt close.

And she wanted it to last.

Then something small happened.

She discovered that Richard was still texting someone he had previously been intimate with. The messages were not explicit. But the tone felt slightly open. Slightly playful. Slightly misaligned with what he was telling her about commitment.

What hurt Sari was not just the texting.

It was the disconnect.

When someone says “I am serious about you,” but their actions feel even slightly open elsewhere, the nervous system reacts.

And when something feels off in love, it rarely feels neutral. It feels unsafe.

This is where relationships either deepen or begin to crack.

Here are 3 clear steps Sari took to protect the relationship rather than destroy it.

Step 1: Remember What You Want Before You React

Before Sari worked on calming herself down, she reminded herself of what she wanted.

She did not want to win an argument.

She did not want to punish him.

She did not want to be dramatic.

She wanted the relationship.

She loved Richard and wanted to build something real with him. She knew this was not casual.

Just reminding herself of that softened her right away.

Because when you remember what you are protecting, you respond differently.

Instead of “How could he do this?” she shifted to, “Ok, how do we fix this?”

Then she did the next skill, and she regulated first.

In simple terms, polyvagal theory teaches that your nervous system is always scanning for safety. So when something feels threatening, even emotionally threatening, your body reacts before your mind can catch up.

Tight chest.

Racing thoughts.

That urge to either accuse, shut down, or pull away.

If you speak from that activated place, you usually speak from one of two reactive parts:

Your Child's part

Emotional. Hurt. Scared.

Or your Parent part

Critical. Controlling. Lecturing.

Neither builds a connection.

The goal is to move into what Transactional Analysis calls your Adult part, what I also call your Real Self. Calm. Clear. Grounded.

So Sari paused and asked herself:

What am I actually feeling?

Is this about today, or is this touching something older?

And she realized something important.

In a previous relationship, she was betrayed. She was deeply hurt. This moment did not just bother her; it reopened that wound.

Once she saw that, she stopped reacting out of fear.

That is self-awareness. That is maturity.

Step 2: Name the Impact, Not the Accusation

When Sari spoke to Richard, she did not attack his character.

She did not say:

“You cannot be trusted.”

“You always do this.”

“You are disrespecting me.”

Instead, she said:

I care about you. This relationship is real to me.

That is why this hurts.

It felt like there was a gap between what you were saying and what was happening.

That is Adult-to-Adult communication.

It is impact, not accusation.

It is the difference between escalating and actually getting somewhere.

This is Adult-to-Adult communication.

It describes the impact instead of assigning blame.

In DBT, there is a skill that clearly teaches this. Describe the situation. Express how you feel. Assert what you need. Reinforce why it matters.

Sari did exactly that.

She described.

She expressed.

She stayed calm.

And because she stayed regulated, Richard stayed open.

“The test of love is not whether something uncomfortable happens. The test is whether two adults can turn tension into deeper alignment.” — Dr. Limor Weinstein

Step 3: Set the Boundary and Invite Empathy

A boundary is not control.

It is clarity about what helps you feel safe.

Sari told Richard:

What helps me feel secure in a committed relationship is clear boundaries with people you have had a sexual or romantic history with, especially if there is still interest.

They did not fix it in one sentence. They had several conversations.

At one point, instead of criticizing him, Sari asked one powerful question:

How would you feel if the situation were reversed?

That question changed the tone.

Richard paused.

He admitted that if Sari were having flirtatious text exchanges with an ex she had been intimate with, someone he knew was still interested in her while she was building a committed relationship with him, he would not feel comfortable either.

In that moment, the boundary became mutual.

Not demanded.

Not imposed.

Understood.

Instead of speaking from the controlling, critical parent part, Sari asked Richard a question that made him realize what he had to do, which was much more powerful and impactful.

They agreed that while old connections may exist and temptation may arise in any relationship, what matters most is:

Open conversation.

Mutual respect.

Clear alignment.

Trust grows when both people protect the relationship.

Not because mistakes never happen.

But because repair happens.

Love That Enhances Your Life Is Not Perfect

It is aligned.

It is accountable.

It is two adults willing to say:

I see how that hurt you.

I understand.

Let us protect what we are building.

The test is not whether something uncomfortable happens.

The test is how you handle it.

In Sari’s situation, the relationship did not get stronger because nothing went wrong. It got stronger because they handled the moment with honesty, respect, and clear boundaries.

If you are finding that communication, boundaries, or emotional regulation feel difficult in your relationships, you are not broken. These are skills. And skills can be learned.

You do not have to figure this out alone.

About Dr. Limor Weinstein

Dr. Limor Weinstein is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, relationship and communication expert, and the founder of The Bespoke KARMA Method™. Transactional analysis and polyvagal theory are the foundation of the method, along with practical DBT-based skills and the science of self-love. The method is also informed by Dr. Weinstein’s long term research investigating how language and communication, including what is said and what is left unsaid, can create a lack of psychological safety in relationships.

If you are ready to strengthen your communication, set clear boundaries without escalating, and build healthier relationships, you can join one of Dr. Weinstein’s relationship and communication groups. These groups are designed to help you practice these skills in real time, in a supportive and guided setting.

Click here to learn more about upcoming groups and reserve your spot:

Accepted insurance plans: United HealthCare, Aetna, and David Shield.

Thank you for reading!

Your words. your power.

Love

Limor